Leave everything and set free your desires

This is the story of Jessica, a wonderful soul I met on the windy coasts of Ireland, on the borders of Connemara. I was so impressed by her beautiful spirit and her deepness and by the unconventional beauty of her paints and works. She makes wonderful pieces of jewellery using gems and stones and you can find some of them on her website Green Owl Gray Toad. Here it's her story.

"I remember it all started with having enough. Everything I wanted, I had. Everything I needed which was secure, good and stable was there. A loving partnership, wonderful friends, a great home, a nice job, as well as lots of practical material possessions; all purchased with a long term commitment in mind. Each were scrutinized and scoured by my mind because in despite of this, I was not happy. For a long time I reasoned that my unhappiness had to do with not getting enough me time; enough outdoor time, enough creative outlet. So I fueled my desires for each by temporarily distracting myself in their safety net. But still, something wasn’t right. Something was missing. I finally admitted it to myself when I no longer could write, when my art felt flat, when the music which I once danced joyfully to made me sob. I realized then that I was afraid; afraid of myself. It took me two years to finally start the process of leaving the comfort zone I had wrapped my life up in. To finally have enough courage to really look inside myself and understand what was missing. It scared me. I looked away a lot. I distracted myself sometimes. I allowed my comfort zone to be pulled even closer. I felt stupid. Unequipped. During this period I was careful and deliberate towards myself. A glacier rested where my instincts had once been. And so, like all those useful material possessions purchased with a long term commitment in mind, I saw that my soul and spirit, my body, were the most vital and intrinsic possessions I would ever own, and set out to become more fully committed to understanding them. To more fully become committed to myself. It started with hibernating within. I refused contact with everything and everyone besides my partner and a few close friends who I shared what I was going through with. During this time I let things be, and I listened, very closely to the voice that’s underneath our thoughts, to the place of our instincts and inherent nature. To the wild pulse that’s our birth right. The voice which we deny in fear. She is what howls in our hearts, what sharpens when we dare to become greater. She is the joy, and the sadness, the thread of madness and love that brings us to our knees. She is the part of ourselves which allows us to live and feel, truly. And I had stopped paying attention to her. I had put her in a tidy box labeled ‘not now’ and went on auto pilot. It was safer, easier, more comfortable. Slowly, she gingerly emerged as I waited and listened. I started writing, painting, dancing. I started feeling, deeply, again. Not that I didn’t before, but it felt connected to a purer source within myself rather than of a flat situational response. She was a part of everything, and I had forgotten that I was too. She.was.me.

At the end of this process I found myself leaving a long term relationship, transitioning out of my job, packing up my home and getting rid of everything that truly didn’t matter, as well as saying goodbye to all that I had been. I purchased a ticket to Ireland, a place I had always been intrinsically drawn to, and committed myself to learning more about homesteading and permaculture. It was a way of living I felt was in alignment with how I wanted to spend my life, with local people, for 3 months. In May 2015 it will be two years since I’ve made that choice, and I couldn’t be happier. Not everyone needs to walk such a drastic or alternating path. However, I realize that life is not about becoming comfortable, but having comfortable moments. Life is meant for expanding, exploring, learning, meeting, connecting, and being in love: not numbly scuffling through it half dead. Too often I find we replace true freedom, the freedom of our spirit and minds with comfort, and we forget what we really want, what we really long for: who we really are. Those longings are translated into unquenchable ghosts which we pour our money, energy, love and personal power into. We surround ourselves with what we think should matter, and what we think we want without really getting to know what does: centering ourselves below the surface, instead of above. In finding and accepting our authentic selves and listening to them, we become more equipped to heal and face our reluctancies, our fear, and our own unique pain. We can fully be present in creating the life we’ve always wanted, in each moment. We can give ourselves permission to be who we truly are: beautiful, flawed, vulnerable, passionate beings who are full of desire, burning with life, filled to the brim with happiness and spirit. It is truly wonderful. It is terribly exciting."

#stories #storiesoflives #sustainable #sustainableliving #natureconnection